I am a mother to a terrific son and a grandmother to two darling little girls. They get together more often with my daughter-in-law’s family than with me, which makes sense: They live close by, and I live an hour and a half away. Still, I make the effort to drive to see the girls and invite my son to bring them to visit me. The issue: My daughter-in-law frequently posts pictures of her family gatherings on Instagram. But she never includes a picture of me — even when I’m at the gathering. It hurts! I don’t want to burden my son with this. And I know that my daughter-in-law can use her Instagram as she chooses. But do you think I should talk to her about feeling left out?
— A Concerned Grandmother
It’s completely understandable how deeply hurt you feel. Emotions, especially around family, can be incredibly complex, often surfacing even in seemingly harmless situations. You’ve rightly observed that it’s natural for your daughter-in-law to spend more time with her immediate family due to geographical closeness. And, speaking personally, many of us tend to feel a stronger bond with our own family members than with our in-laws, which can often be mirrored in our social media sharing habits. Despite these common dynamics, your sense of exclusion is very real and valid.
My advice is to steer clear of directly confronting your daughter-in-law about her Instagram stories. Ultimately, it’s her personal account, and forcing her to post pictures to appease you likely won’t resolve the underlying issue. Instead, the real opportunity lies in nurturing your relationship with her. The Instagram exclusion is probably just a symptom of a deeper dynamic. Rather than solely focusing your efforts on your son and granddaughters, which appears to be your current approach, try shifting your energy to actively engage your daughter-in-law directly.
I understand that this might feel like an uphill battle, and I’m certainly not placing any blame on you – the often-strained relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is a well-known phenomenon. But honestly, what do you have to lose by trying? Consider inviting her out for lunch, offering to babysit, or even treating her and your son to a date night if your budget allows. If genuine closeness is your goal, you need to take the initiative. Make concrete, specific plans. Remember, she’s likely juggling a lot with two young children, so don’t expect her to be the planner. Over time, these efforts might foster a stronger bond, and that improved relationship would be the true reward – far more meaningful than seeing your face on an Instagram story, although that might naturally follow.
Sorry, Husband Is Not on the Menu
My husband and I have a couple we regularly dine with in our neighborhood. For the past five years, these occasional dinners have been marred by the other wife’s undeniable fixation on my husband. Every comment she makes is directed solely at him, and she rarely makes eye contact with anyone else. My husband finds it flattering, but for me, these evenings are becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I’m hesitant to jeopardize our friendship by addressing it directly with her. Should I speak to her privately about feeling overlooked?
— Unseen Wife
I find myself genuinely puzzled as to why you’d continue to arrange dinners with someone who has openly harbored a strong crush on your husband for half a decade. That’s hardly a temporary infatuation! A private conversation with her won’t make her infatuation disappear; it will merely teach her to conceal it better. And notably, you haven’t even mentioned her husband’s presence or role in these interactions. So, what enjoyment are you truly getting from these evenings? My strongest recommendation is to revisit your social circle and seek out a less complicated couple for your dinner engagements.
Changing the Locks (as a Gesture of Love)
Seventeen years ago, I generously provided my wife’s sister and her husband with a key to our Manhattan apartment, inviting them to use it whenever they wished while my wife and I were living in the Southwest. However, they never once took us up on the offer. For the past decade, my wife and I have resided in the apartment full-time, and given their advanced age and physical limitations, it’s highly improbable they’ll ever visit now. I’m keen to retrieve the key, as I’m uncomfortable with it being unaccounted for. My wife, however, insists I drop the matter, fearing that asking for it back might be hurtful, especially if they’ve forgotten about it or misplaced it. What is your advice?
— Anxious Apartment Owner
I certainly understand your unease about a spare key to your apartment being out there – though after allowing it to remain unaddressed for 17 years, it suggests your concern isn’t exactly urgent. I also fully empathize with your wife’s desire to avoid causing any hurt or embarrassment to her sister. Given how important that familial relationship likely is to her, my recommendation would be to respect your wife’s wishes and, instead, simply call a locksmith to change the lock. It’s a win-win solution: your peace of mind is restored, and no feelings are bruised!
Simon Cowell, You Are Not
A colleague of mine regularly uploads recordings of himself singing karaoke to social media, interspersing them with his professional posts. It’s clear he’s not doing this for ironic amusement; he genuinely believes people want to hear him sing. The problem is, he’s absolutely dreadful! I feel that a true friend would gently advise him to stop. What’s the best course of action?
— Tone-Deaf Listener
My advice is simple: Leave him be! Life is already challenging enough. If your colleague finds joy in sharing his karaoke performances, let him enjoy it. Poor singing isn’t a criminal offense. He isn’t compelling you to listen, nor is he soliciting your critique. We truly don’t need to pass judgment on every single thing that comes our way.
For personalized advice on your awkward social dilemmas, you can submit your questions to Philip Galanes.