A woman I’ve known for two decades, a friend who lives just a mile from me, has been expressing her frustrations. For the past two years, she’s constantly lamented her husband’s intense work travel schedule, leaving him home only on weekends. However, I’ve repeatedly seen his distinct sports car parked on a nearby street, and there are clear indications of his presence at his inherited grandparents’ house — which he claims to use as a home office — at all hours, even when he’s supposedly away for work. It’s clear he’s not traveling, and it saddens me deeply that he’s lying to my friend. Should I intervene and tell her what I know?
TRUTH TELLER
I’d encourage you to look at this situation from another angle. It seems improbable that this woman genuinely needs you to inform her that her husband, who has supposedly been on week-long business trips for years, is actually just a mile away at his home office, with his easily recognizable car parked openly. It’s more likely that she’s already aware of these readily observable facts and is choosing not to discuss her marriage with you, or she might simply not be ready to confront the situation herself.
In my opinion, sharing your observations wouldn’t necessarily benefit her. My experience has shown that it’s rarely essential, and often ill-advised, to disclose every piece of information we possess, simply because we know it. True friendship demands a higher level of discretion.
However, if my assumption is incorrect, and your bond with this woman is deeper than your letter implies (your phrase "a woman with whom I have been friendly" doesn’t quite suggest a best friend dynamic), or if you genuinely believe she’s truly unaware of her husband’s transparent deception, then by all means, follow your conscience. Otherwise, I would advise refraining from involving yourself in the intimate details of her marriage until she explicitly seeks your advice.
A Loving Misstep, but Still a Misstep
During a recent wedding, I mentioned to my 16-year-old granddaughter that her 35-year-old cousin was adopted, just like she is. My granddaughter immediately went to speak with her cousin, and though I couldn’t hear their exact words, there was clearly laughter and smiles exchanged. The following day, my daughter-in-law informed me that the cousin was surprised I knew about her adoption and questioned why I had shared it with my granddaughter. I genuinely had no idea it was meant to be confidential! I’ve already apologized to my daughter-in-law. Should I also apologize to the cousin?
GRANDMOTHER
Yes, you absolutely should. Adoption is a deeply personal and sensitive topic, regardless of whether someone is 16, 35, or 80. You surely don’t need explicit instructions that personal matters are "confidential" to understand the importance of discretion. You spoke prematurely, and offering an apology to the person you inadvertently upset is the right thing to do.
I also grasp your motivation: you wanted your beloved granddaughter to feel more at ease with her own adoption story. That’s a very understandable and loving reason! You might consider gently explaining this to the cousin – not as a justification for your actions, but to provide context for your comment.
No Respite From a Neighbor’s Racket
My apartment was a peaceful sanctuary until about a month ago, when a new neighbor moved in. Now, I constantly hear his music and television, amplified through a sound system, at all hours — sometimes even at 4 a.m. I’ve complained to the building’s management multiple times, and they’ve asked him to stop, but he simply ignores them! This relentless noise is severely impacting my sleep and making me feel anxious and on edge in my own home. As a woman living alone, I don’t feel safe or comfortable confronting my neighbor directly. What should I do?
NEIGHBOR
The simplest solution, assuming your new neighbor is a reasonable individual, might be to show him firsthand just how disruptive his sound system is. Could a friend or a building staff member accompany you to his apartment to ask him to listen to the incessant noise he’s inflicting upon you?
If that’s not feasible, schedule an in-person meeting with the building manager. Insist they develop a concrete action plan for your noise complaints, one that includes clear consequences like fines or, if necessary, even eviction for your neighbor. If the manager is reluctant to enforce such measures, then you should request a relocation to another apartment within the building, or seriously consider moving out altogether. Without the active cooperation of others, a permanent resolution to this issue will be elusive.
Thank-You Gifts Can Be a Grab Bag. Or a Tile Sack.
I recently started playing mahjong with someone who is new to town. I’ve been welcoming her into our games and even recommended a local surgeon. To show her appreciation, she gave me a new mahjong tile bag. The issue is, I genuinely don’t like it. But if I don’t use it, she’s sure to notice. How should I navigate this situation?
PLAYER
Honestly, if you can manage it, I’d suggest you simply stop worrying about this. You extended some kindness to your new friend, including her in games and offering a useful recommendation, and she responded with a thoughtful gesture of appreciation. While it would be wonderful if you adored the mahjong bag, not every gift is going to be a perfect match. Nevertheless, your friend achieved her primary objective: to express her gratitude. So, continue using the bag you prefer, keep inviting her to games, and I’m confident that everything will work out perfectly.
For assistance with your own tricky social situations, please submit your questions to Philip Galanes.