Mistakes We Make About Boundaries
Often, when we talk about ‘setting boundaries,’ we hear phrases like:
- “You need to stop showing up unannounced.”
- “Don’t speak to me in that tone.”
- “If you can’t respect my needs, I’m cutting you off completely.”
However, much like other therapeutic jargon that’s become popular online, the true essence of ‘boundaries’ has been diluted. When mental health professionals discuss boundaries, they’re not suggesting you control others through ultimatums or shield yourself entirely from relational challenges. Instead, establishing a boundary is about defining and managing *your own* behavior through personal rules you create.
These self-imposed guidelines are a vital tool for clearly communicating our needs and expectations. They ultimately help us cultivate deeper, more resilient connections with the significant people in our lives, according to Nedra Glover Tawwab, a renowned therapist and author of ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace.’
How Do You Truly Establish a Boundary?
Consider a situation where your mother frequently comments on your weight. If you ask her to refrain from mentioning your size, this is a simple request, not a boundary.
If, despite your request, she continues, then it’s time to implement a boundary. One effective approach, as suggested by KC Davis, a Texas-based therapist and author of ‘Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,’ is to prevent her opinions about your body from becoming *your* own beliefs.
“I don’t need to bombard her with books or engage in lengthy discussions about Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis explains. “I don’t need to prove my health to her. I simply acknowledge, ‘Okay, Mom,’ and move forward.”
Another way to establish a boundary is through a clear, direct statement. For instance, if your teenager is speaking disrespectfully, you could say: “I want to continue this conversation, but I will not engage with someone who is berating me.”
You can also set a ‘silent boundary.’ If, for example, a friend sends a text message that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the choice not to respond.
The Power of Boundaries in Strengthening Relationships
By establishing personal limits or boundaries, we clearly define the space between our own needs and those of others. This crucial distinction is what allows us to maintain truly healthy relationships, notes Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
Dr. Sanderson warns that neglecting to set boundaries and consistently ignoring our own needs can lead to emotional ‘explosions.’ This often stems from a failure to recognize and reflect on what we truly require from a relationship.
However, there are times when the other person may simply be incapable of meeting your exact desires. In such cases, if you still value the relationship, boundaries can help you maintain a connection that feels sustainable and positive for you.
Ms. Davis shares a personal experience where a boundary helped alleviate her resentment toward a friend.
“We would make plans, and she’d often not show up, or I’d arrive to pick her up and she wouldn’t answer the door,” Ms. Davis recounts. “I eventually reached my breaking point.”
Instead of trying to control her friend’s behavior, Ms. Davis gradually stopped making so many plans and adjusted her expectations for her friend’s availability. Now, while their interactions are limited to a few times a year, Ms. Davis can genuinely enjoy their time together.
Understanding Different Boundary Types
Mental health professionals typically identify three distinct types of boundaries: rigid, porous, and healthy.
Individuals who consistently exhibit rigid boundaries often shy away from intimate relationships, struggle with trust, and rarely seek assistance from others. Conversely, those with porous boundaries tend to overshare personal details, tolerate disrespect, become excessively involved in others’ problems, and find it difficult to decline requests.
It’s common for people to display a blend of these boundary types, depending on the specific relationship. For example, someone might have porous boundaries with a romantic partner but rigid boundaries with a colleague.
The ultimate goal for everyone is to cultivate healthy boundaries. This involves valuing your own desires and needs, being open to intimacy when desired, and confidently saying ‘no’ when necessary.
“Our aim is to find that sweet spot of balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab emphasizes, explaining that boundaries that are either too rigid or too porous can ultimately damage relationships.
Navigating Conflict When Boundaries Are Set
It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes, your boundaries might be perceived as unsettling or even hurtful by others. They might “repeatedly challenge the boundary,” Dr. Sanderson observes, which can lead to a detrimental cycle of negativity.
Nonetheless, even if a boundary seems irrational, unfair, or even trivial to someone else, respecting it is fundamental to building a stronger relationship.
Dr. Sanderson suggests that an open and honest conversation about any feelings of hurt can be beneficial, and even negotiation might be possible. For instance, if your spouse is upset because you’re unwilling to discuss a major argument from the previous day, you might consider relaxing that boundary once you’ve had sufficient time to calm down.
“We’re not implying, ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson clarifies. “We’re simply stating, ‘At this moment, for me, I cannot engage in that conversation.’”