When people talk about ‘setting boundaries,’ you often hear statements like these:
“You need to stop showing up without calling first.”
“Don’t speak to me like that.”
“If you can’t respect my needs, I’m cutting off all communication.”
However, much like other therapy-related jargon that has permeated social media and popular culture, the true essence of ‘boundaries’ has often been misunderstood. When mental health professionals discuss boundaries, they aren’t referring to dictating others’ actions through ultimatums or emotionally isolating yourself from relationship challenges. Instead, setting a boundary is about you taking control of your own behavior by establishing rules for yourself.
These personal guidelines offer a healthy method for communicating our needs and expectations. They actually help us cultivate deeper, more robust connections with the significant people in our lives, explains Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
How Exactly Do You Establish a Boundary?
Imagine your mother frequently comments on your weight. If you politely ask her to stop mentioning your size, that’s a request, not a boundary.
If she disregards your request, that’s when you establish a boundary. According to KC Davis, a Texas-based therapist and author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” one effective approach is to prevent her opinions about your body from becoming your own beliefs.
“I don’t need to send her books or engage in debates about Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis shared. “I don’t need to persuade her that I am healthy. I simply acknowledge it with an ‘OK, Mom,’ and disengage.”
Alternatively, you can establish a boundary with a direct statement. For example, if your teenager is speaking to you disrespectfully, you might say: “I’m willing to talk, but I won’t continue this conversation if you’re going to disrespect me.”
Sometimes, a silent boundary is best. If a friend sends an uncomfortable text message, for instance, you can simply choose not to respond.
How Do Boundaries Actually Make Relationships Stronger?
By establishing personal limits or boundaries, we clearly define where our needs end and others’ begin. This crucial distinction helps us cultivate healthier relationships, explains Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
Failing to set boundaries often means neglecting our own needs, which can lead to emotional ‘explosions,’ Dr. Sanderson notes. This usually happens because we haven’t taken the time to truly understand what we require from a relationship.
However, there are times when the other person simply cannot provide exactly what you desire. In such cases, if you still value the relationship, boundaries become vital tools for maintaining a connection that remains positive and fulfilling for you.
Ms. Davis recounts a personal experience where establishing a boundary significantly reduced her resentment towards a friend.
“We’d make plans, and she wouldn’t show up, or I’d go to her place, and she wouldn’t answer the door,” Ms. Davis explained. “I was completely exasperated.”
Eventually, Ms. Davis reduced the frequency of making plans with her friend and adjusted her expectations for her friend’s availability, without attempting to dictate her friend’s actions. Now, their occasional visits, just a few times a year, are genuinely enjoyable for Ms. Davis.
Does the Kind of Boundary You Set Impact Your Relationships?
Mental health professionals typically categorize boundaries into three main types: rigid, porous, and healthy.
Individuals who consistently exhibit rigid boundaries often shy away from close relationships, struggle with trust, and rarely seek assistance. At the opposite end of the spectrum, those with porous boundaries tend to overshare, tolerate disrespect, get overly entangled in others’ issues, and find it hard to say ‘no’.
It’s common for individuals to display a blend of these boundary types, varying by relationship. For instance, someone might have porous boundaries with a romantic partner yet rigid boundaries with a colleague.
The ideal is to strive for healthy boundaries, which involves honoring your own desires and needs, being open to intimacy when appropriate, and confidently saying ‘no’ when required.
“Our goal is to find that sweet spot of balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab emphasizes, noting that boundaries that are too rigid or too porous can lead to significant strains in relationships.
What Happens When Your Boundaries Upset Someone?
Occasionally, people might perceive your boundaries as unsettling or even offensive. They may ‘repeatedly test those limits,’ Dr. Sanderson explains, which can lead to ‘a deeply negative cycle.’
However, even if a boundary seems unreasonable, unfair, or even trivial to you, respecting it ultimately fosters a stronger relationship.
Dr. Sanderson suggests that open and honest discussions about any hurt feelings can be beneficial, and even negotiation might be an option. For instance, if your spouse is upset because you’re unwilling to discuss a recent argument, you might consider relaxing that boundary once you’ve had time to cool off.
“When we set a boundary, we’re not saying ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson clarifies. “What we’re communicating is, ‘Right now, for me, I’m unable to discuss this topic.’”