Kelly Shara, 31, used to calculate her fertility timeline on almost every date.
“If we date for a year, I’ll be this age when we marry,” she would think. “Then we have another year, and we could start having children. That means I’ll be this age when I become a mother.”
For years, rom-coms and societal pressures instilled in her the belief that she should be married with children by 30.
Now, for the most part, Ms. Shara finds that expectation a bit absurd. She enjoys a rich life with friends and a fulfilling career, and she refuses to settle for a partner who isn’t a true teammate.
But then there’s that nagging biological clock.
“I would still love to have kids sooner rather than later,” Ms. Shara admitted. “However, rushing through dating, marriage, and courtship just to find the right person comes with its own costs.”
The long-held belief that women’s fertility sharply declines at 35 has gradually changed recently, thanks to evolving cultural norms and breakthroughs in assisted reproductive technology. Despite growing alarm among some conservatives about the historically low birthrate in the United States, women over 35 are actually having children in significant numbers. The birthrate for women aged 40 to 44 has even seen an increase over the past four decades.
“With many celebrities becoming first-time parents later in life, it often gives the public the perception that fertility is something you can delay,” noted Dr. Natalie Crawford, an Austin-based fertility doctor and author of “The Fertility Formula.”
Nevertheless, the reality remains: female fertility generally peaks in the 20s and diminishes over time. While men also experience age-related declines in fertility, they continue to produce sperm throughout their lives, whereas women’s fertility eventually ceases. This difference can profoundly influence their approach to dating.
The feeling that women are racing against a biological clock can cause immense anxiety, according to Beth Gulotta, a New York City psychotherapist and host of the “Quiet the Clock” podcast, which focuses on fertility and dating.
“What I observe is that this pressure tends to cloud judgment when choosing partners, leading to excessive flexibility and a willingness to overlook red flags,” she explained. “There’s a pervasive sense of urgency.”
When Urgency Leads to Poor Choices
Lydia Desnoyers, 41, confessed she sometimes struggled to quiet the internal voice suggesting every man she dated could be the father of her future child—even without genuine chemistry.
“My ovaries were a third wheel on every date,” said Ms. Desnoyers, a certified public accountant from Miami. “It was like: ‘No time to waste! This has to be your husband. He’s going to be the father of your children!’”
This mindset, however, caused her to remain in unsuitable relationships.
“I was ignoring warning signs,” she revealed, like partners who consumed too much alcohol or lacked ambition. “My brain was screaming, ‘End this relationship!’ But my ovaries insisted: ‘No, girl. We’re running out of time. You need to make this work!’”
Lori Husband, a psychologist with a private practice in Nashville, conducts a digital course for women in their 30s and 40s who are dating under the pressure of a fertility deadline. She frequently observes women entering what she calls a “panic partnership.” (She experienced this herself: In her early 40s, she married, and although they attempted in vitro fertilization, it was unsuccessful. They divorced within a year. She is now happily remarried and a stepmother.)
“I see two extremes,” Dr. Husband commented. “Some people panic, while others adopt an almost fairy-tale mentality, believing that if it’s meant to be, their person will simply appear.”
Kelsey Wonderlin, a licensed therapist and dating coach also based in Nashville, dedicates significant time to discussing with clients the pitfalls of dating from a place of urgency. Her initial goal is to reassure them that “there are truly countless incredible, emotionally available men out there who desire to build a life and have children.”
Ms. Wonderlin and Dr. Husband guide their clients on how to date strategically, which largely involves clearly defining what they can (and cannot) compromise on in a potential partner and co-parent. Dr. Husband, for example, has worked with clients who discovered that a partner earning less money was not a deal-breaker. However, she advises caution against compromising on fundamental issues like incompatible values. While “insane physical chemistry” isn’t essential, Ms. Wonderlin emphasizes that attraction is non-negotiable.
Ms. Wonderlin also spends considerable time helping clients rebuild confidence, often eroded after a decade or more on dating apps, so they “don’t fall apart the moment he takes longer to text back, or become an anxious version of themselves as soon as feelings develop.”
She further stresses the importance of being open about their parental priorities early in the dating process.
“You’ll still encounter some guys who react with, ‘Whoa. That’s intense!’” she noted. “But those aren’t the right people for you.”
Taking a Break, Even When It Feels Wrong
At a time when politicians are actively trying to encourage families to have more children, some women are still struggling to find a partner who even wants kids. This search can be utterly exhausting.
Ms. Gulotta, the New York City psychotherapist, frequently encounters women in her practice who are “dating from a place of burnout”—compulsively swiping, yet feeling a profound sense of hopelessness about their prospects—all because they desperately wish to become mothers.
Her advice, though seemingly counterintuitive, is clear: “The most effective use of your time is to step back and regroup,” she advises. “Take a break. Then return to dating with renewed clarity, energy, and a more positive outlook.”
Ms. Gulotta, who openly shares her own experiences with fertility pressure, encourages her clients and podcast listeners not to become so focused on what they lack that they fail to appreciate what they currently possess. This could involve something as straightforward as starting a gratitude practice, she suggested, or limiting social media use to avoid comparing themselves to others’ timelines.
Fertility preservation can alleviate some of the pressure women feel to find a partner by a certain age. However, egg freezing can cost thousands of dollars per cycle (plus annual storage fees) and offers no guarantees.
In her early 30s, Ms. Desnoyers was in a relationship with a man who consistently prioritized his friends over her. She describes it as such a bad relationship that she eventually just “snapped out of it.” She suddenly recognized that she had been settling for mediocre dates and relationships simply because of her overwhelming desire to become a mother.
So, at 35, she decided to freeze her eggs. By 39, she had her daughter. She expresses immense joy at being a single mom by choice and currently has “no desire” to date.
Last year, Ms. Shara also froze her eggs, a topic she now brings up early in conversations with dates. For the most part, these discussions have been positive.
Occasionally, she has had to explain the practicalities of egg freezing to somewhat bewildered dates. Yet, her openness has also facilitated honest discussions about whether and when they want children, information she prefers to know upfront, rather than “playing the cool girl for six or nine months, and then dropping the bomb.”
For now, at least, it has eased some of the pressure, added Ms. Shara, who no longer mentally calculates fertility equations.
“I’m really proud of the fact that I did this,” she concluded. “But the hard part is, there are no guarantees.”