Just last summer, the online dating scene buzzed with women publicly seeking specific ideals: a man in finance, standing 6-foot-5, with striking blue eyes.
Fast forward to today, and dating priorities seem to have taken a sharp turn. A growing number of social media users are, with a mix of seriousness and irony, advocating for ‘settling’ – choosing a partner they might not find immediately attractive. The rationale? A less conventionally desirable individual is supposedly more likely to offer genuine affection and respect.
While the concept of “dating down” isn’t new – often a quiet personal strategy or an impolite observation from outsiders – in 2025, social media has given it a loud and often harsh new vocabulary.
Indeed, the digital age has found ways to infuse this practice with even more bluntness, coining terms like “Shrekking” and “intelligence-gap relationships” to label romantic partnerships deemed uneven.
An image featuring a costumed Shrek waving from an onion carriage, his face partially obscured, humorously poses the question: “A face only an ogress could love?”
But does this strategy truly work? Camila Cuesta knows the answer firsthand. After several months with an ex-boyfriend, she realized that intentionally dating someone less attractive didn’t guarantee a relationship free from infidelity or disrespect.
“It honestly ended up in a lot of cheating and disrespect,” Cuesta shared in a phone interview. “So, it has not been effective for me.”
Cuesta, a 26-year-old healthcare administrator from Miami, recounted meeting her ex on social media in 2022. She quickly noted he wasn’t her usual type – she preferred tall, muscular men with hair, and he was the opposite. Yet, wanting to explore new possibilities, she decided to give him a chance, drawn by his personality. Their relationship, however, dissolved just over a year later amidst what she described as continuous betrayal.
“He probably thought, ‘If I could get this girl, I can get anyone,’” Cuesta speculated. “‘If she’d look my way, other girls would be easy to pursue.’ And that’s precisely what happened.”
The term “Shrekking” draws its inspiration from the movie “Shrek,” where an unconventional ogre ultimately proves to be a more genuine hero than the seemingly perfect Prince Charming. Ironically, “getting Shrekked” describes the reverse scenario, like Cuesta’s, where one lowers their dating expectations only to still face heartbreak from the chosen partner.
Kevin Shipley, a 40-year-old digital marketer in Baltimore, acknowledges the potential hurtfulness of “Shrekking,” especially for individuals insecure about their appearance or concerned about being exploited. However, having often been perceived as the “less attractive” partner in previous relationships, Shipley remains unperturbed by the label.
“I believe that I’m handsome,” he asserted. He recalled former girlfriends openly admitting he wasn’t their physical type initially. Yet, he noted, “after they got to know me, seeing my sense of humor, my intelligence and the fact that I was treating them nice, it caused them to want to date me.”
Shipley candidly admitted to a degree of superficiality on both ends of the spectrum. While he prioritizes qualities beyond looks and approaches relationships with good intentions, he confessed that dating a beautiful woman has, at times, served to enhance his own perceived status.
“I love the idea that sometimes when I’m with a certain type of woman, people will look at us and say, ‘Oh, she’s way out of his league, how did he get her?’” he revealed.
Beyond “Shrekking,” another recent and rather uncharitable label being applied to contemporary relationships is the “intelligence-gap relationship.” This term typically describes pairings where one partner might have a higher educational background, or simply possesses a broader knowledge base. While some might view this dynamic as another form of “dating down,” others argue for a more nuanced perspective.
While many agree that prioritizing genuine emotional connection, shared values, and overall compatibility over mere physical attractiveness is a healthy approach to dating, the act of “dating down” itself doesn’t automatically guarantee long-term happiness or compatibility.
Ahmed Sherif, a recent university graduate from Toronto, shared his experiences from his teenage years into his early 20s. During that time, he struggled with weight, acne, and an unflattering hairstyle. He recalls that when women dated him, it was primarily for his kind personality or sense of humor. Conversely, breakups often stemmed from him not being their physical ideal.
“I want that person to actually like me for who I am, and also, I don’t want them to feel like they’re not attracted to me,” the 25-year-old Sherif expressed. “That just makes me feel like you’re just using me.”
Since then, Sherif has undergone a transformation, dedicating himself to the gym, losing significant weight, and finding a suitable haircut. He’s now been in a fulfilling two-year relationship, which, he proudly states, is definitely not a “Shrekking” scenario.
If you have thoughts, stories, or tips about modern dating dynamics, feel free to send them to thirdwheel@nytimes.com.