DEAR SOCIAL Q’s,
A few months ago, my brother sent me an incredibly harsh letter, claiming I’m a terrible person who treated him and his wife poorly, and stated he wants nothing more to do with me. I’m utterly shocked and furious by these baseless and malicious accusations. I chose not to respond, believing you can’t have a rational discussion with someone irrational. I’ve also decided to cut ties with him. Our parents have agreed to my request to divide holiday gatherings so we can avoid each other.
Here’s my core issue: My parents have remained completely neutral throughout this conflict. To me, their neutrality is the same as taking his side. If he had physically assaulted me, I doubt they’d be so impartial. Am I wrong to expect them to stand up for me and condemn his awful letter?
— SISTER
DEAR SISTER,
I understand your distress, but having read your brother’s letter, I believe your interpretation might be skewed. While it’s certainly not a warm or comforting message, he never actually labels you as a “bad person.” In fact, he concludes by inviting you to communicate with greater honesty and kindness moving forward. He even apologizes for his own past hurtful actions. So, it’s not entirely malicious.
As I see it, his letter was meant to express his personal experience: he feels your strong opinions and unshakeable convictions have, for years, chipped away at his self-confidence. Cutting him off simply for sharing his feelings seems to reinforce his point. You’ve even reacted exactly as he predicted: by bringing the conflict into the open rather than reflecting on what he perceives as your unkind behavior, and now you refuse to share holiday meals with him.
I have brothers, too, and we certainly have our share of disagreements. But here’s a crucial piece of advice: When someone you care about offers you a chance to mend things, seize it! They wouldn’t extend the invitation if they didn’t still care about you. And please, for everyone’s sake, keep your parents out of it. Consider discussing your actions with a trusted friend or a therapist, first individually, and then perhaps with your brother. There’s absolutely no shame in adjusting behaviors that no longer serve you or your relationships.
Navigating Dinner Table Dynamics
DEAR SOCIAL Q’s,
My husband and I are quite social and love hosting friends for meals. We understand that during larger gatherings, side conversations are bound to happen. However, when it’s just the four of us, and one person from the other couple starts a one-on-one chat with either my husband or me, creating two simultaneous conversations, we find it incredibly hard to fully engage. Often, these private discussions are on topics that all four of us could enjoy. I dislike feeling monopolized, and so does my husband. My usual approach is to let the person finish their thought, then try to bring the topic back to the whole group, but this is only a temporary fix. Any suggestions?
— CONVERSATIONALIST
DEAR CONVERSATIONALIST,
I understand your preference for a single, unified conversation when it’s just a foursome. However, your guests also have a say in the matter. Sometimes, I want to address a specific comment to one individual, not the entire table, and I don’t believe your preference should automatically outweigh theirs. Plus, some discussions are simply more comfortable when shared one-on-one.
Still, I think I can offer some practical help! The most effective way to encourage group conversation might be through your seating arrangement. Try to have guests who are prone to private discussions sit diagonally from each other, making it harder for them to slip into sidebars. But remember, don’t be too rigid about this. You and your husband aren’t the sole dictators of dinner conversation.
Airbnb’s Breakfast Promise: A Reality Check
DEAR SOCIAL Q’s,
I’ve been using Airbnb for years, and they clearly market themselves as a provider of bed-and-breakfasts — it’s right there in their name! Yet, in all my years of using the service, I’ve only been served breakfast twice. Why is it that nearly no one delivers on this advertised promise?
— TRAVELER
DEAR TRAVELER,
Are you serious? Your complaint is much like expecting to find royalty at Burger King simply because “King” is in the name. While it’s true that the company started almost two decades ago as a platform connecting travelers with actual bed-and-breakfasts, its offerings have expanded significantly since then. Nowadays, the best way to determine if complimentary breakfast is included is to simply read the specific rental listing. If it’s not explicitly mentioned, chances are, you won’t be getting it!
Thoughtful Host Gifts: Beyond the Bottle
DEAR SOCIAL Q’s,
In my social circle, it’s customary to bring a bottle of wine as a host gift to dinner parties. In fact, our usual response to invitations is, “White or red?” However, I stopped drinking alcohol a year ago. I’m now unsure whether I should still bring wine for others to enjoy. Bringing a cake or other food feels presumptuous, and nobody seems to want flowers. Do you have any suggestions?
— GUEST
DEAR GUEST,
A host gift is primarily a symbol of gratitude, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be for immediate consumption. Unless your host specifically requests wine — which doesn’t appear to be the case here — feel free to get creative! With one less person drinking at the table, your hosts likely don’t need your wine. Personally, I rarely serve the bottles guests bring me unless they ask for them, as I prefer to plan my own pairings. Consider alternatives like a delicious loaf of artisanal bread or a thoughtfully chosen selection of fine teas.
For help with your own awkward social predicaments, send your questions to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.