Welcome to Late Night Roundup, your essential guide to the previous night’s comedic highlights, designed to let you catch up while we enjoy the show. If you’re looking for something else to watch, here are 50 fantastic movies currently streaming on Netflix.
Generally Speaking
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth recently convened a summit for senior military leaders, delivering an address that quickly became the talk of late-night television.
“But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them,” Ronny Chieng quipped on Tuesday’s “The Daily Show.”
“Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico.” — RONNY CHIENG
During his unexpected address, Hegseth lectured the audience on the crucial importance of maintaining proper athleticism and strict grooming standards. He declared, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.”
“That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’” — RONNY CHIENG
“I mean, this guy will text top secret war plans, but when it comes to body-shaming, he’s like, ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.’” — RONNY CHIENG
“Look, I get the military needs to be fit, but in defense of fat generals, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be fit enough to play the sport — they just have to be fit enough to date a 24-year-old.” — RONNY CHIENG
“According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grindr profile, OK? ‘No fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the [expletive] out of my sight.’” — RONNY CHIENG
The Punchiest Punchlines (Shutdown Edition)
The looming government shutdown also provided ample material for late-night hosts.
“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts’ if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert made a special appearance on each other’s Tuesday episodes, with Guillermo joining the hosts for a celebratory tequila shot on “The Late Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
The multi-talented singer and rapper Doja Cat is set to co-host Wednesday’s “Tonight Show,” promising an evening of unexpected fun.
Also, Check This Out
Charlie Hunnam takes on the chilling role of Ed Gein, the real-life inspiration behind iconic fictional killers like Norman Bates and Leatherface, in Ryan Murphy’s new series, “Monster: The Ed Gein Story.”