Dear Social Q’s,
I have a wonderful friend who is truly kind and enjoyable, but there’s a catch: she tends to dominate conversations. She’ll share endless stories about her work and kids, yet rarely asks about my life. When I do try to chime in, I’m often cut off. While I don’t think it’s intentional, it’s starting to feel disrespectful and quite frustrating. I sometimes manage to interject with “I was speaking,” and finish my thought, but it happens so frequently that I feel unheard. Should I address this directly, even though she isn’t very self-reflective? I’m worried about shaming her.
— Friend
It’s understandable that you’re hesitant to confront a long-standing friend, especially when you value the shared history. Friendship dynamics like this can indeed be incredibly frustrating, and feeling consistently disregarded by someone you care about can certainly sting.
First, let go of the fear of shaming her. People have different levels of awareness regarding social cues. For some, a simple “I was speaking” is enough to signal an interruption, leading to an apology and more mindful listening. Others, however, need a more direct approach because they simply aren’t as attuned.
It sounds like your friend might be in the latter category. Since you believe her behavior isn’t malicious, a frank but gentle conversation is your best bet. Try saying something like, “I’ve noticed that I often feel interrupted or that our conversations tend to be one-sided, with you doing most of the talking. I know you don’t mean to, but could you please try to be more mindful of it?” She might react defensively at first, or she might be genuinely receptive. Be prepared that you may need to offer gentle reminders periodically. This direct, honest approach is often the most effective way to foster balanced conversations and maintain healthy friendships with those who lean more towards talking than listening.
The Groomsman Next Door
Dear Social Q’s,
I’m thrilled to be a groomsman in my close friend’s destination wedding in South America. However, the couple has chosen a specific hotel for the wedding party, requiring a three-night stay at an exorbitant $800 per night! I simply can’t afford that, especially when there’s a lovely hotel right next door for only $150 a night. Am I truly obligated to stay at the more expensive option?
— Groomsman
The golden rule for weddings, whether it’s your own or someone else’s, is to never put yourself into financial hardship. Your only real obligation here is to communicate openly and promptly with the couple. Explain that the cost of their chosen hotel is beyond your budget, and you’d prefer to stay at the more affordable hotel next door.
There are a couple of potential minor issues to consider: The couple might have reserved a block of rooms and included you in that count. If so, that’s their concern, not yours. Also, inquire if their hotel charges a “guest fee” for non-staying visitors using amenities or attending events. This could add to your overall expenses. Hopefully, your friends will appreciate your honesty and respond with understanding and flexibility.
One Less Hunter on the Range
Dear Social Q’s,
Every year, our neighbor cultivates a beautiful sunflower garden that attracts many birds. Our neighborhood features small, unfenced yards, and we have two outdoor cats, fitted with anti-hunting collars. Despite this, our neighbor confronted us angrily, demanding we keep our cats indoors because they were preying on birds in his garden. We’ve complied, but now our cats are constantly at the door, yowling throughout our workday. We’re planning to let them out again once the weather gets colder and the sunflowers are gone. How should we approach our neighbor about this?
— Cat Mom
I strongly advise you to reconsider letting your cats roam freely outdoors. It’s simply not safe for them; they face risks like being hit by cars or attacked by other animals. Furthermore, while anti-hunting collars do help, they don’t completely prevent cats from hunting. Instead, I suggest looking into building a “catio” — a secure outdoor enclosure. This provides a safe, stimulating environment for your cats while also protecting local wildlife. This might be a new idea for you, as many cats roamed freely in the past, but a catio offers the safest and most considerate solution for both your pets and your neighbors.
The Vapor Dissipates. The Disrespect Lingers.
Dear Social Q’s,
Despite my repeated requests, my friend continues to vape inside my house, often trying to do so discreetly. I initially explained my concerns about the health risks of his vapor (though he dismisses them). Now, after multiple ignored pleas, I’m left feeling deeply disrespected. What should I do?
— Friend
It’s clear that your friend has absolutely no right to vape in your home against your expressed wishes. You’ve been direct, and his continued, secret vaping is a blatant disregard for your boundaries and your home. You need to have a final, firm conversation with him. As calmly as possible, tell him that his actions are disrespectful and unacceptable. State clearly that if he vapes inside your home again, he will no longer be welcome. This is a crucial boundary to enforce, and I truly hope he finally understands the gravity of his disrespect.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com or Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.