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‘The Imitation Crab of Kings’
Millions of Americans participated in the widespread “No Kings” protests this past Saturday, a demonstration met with continued assertions from Republicans that President Trump is, in fact, not a king.
On Monday’s episode of “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart donned a powdered wig for a theatrical “surprise inspection” of the Declaration of Independence. He meticulously reviewed each of the 27 grievances leveled against King George III, humorously assessing how the former president’s actions measured up to these historical complaints.
“Let’s go to the source: the original ‘no kings’ protest, the revolution.” — JON STEWART
“The declaration says — ah! — ‘He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislatures.’ Done. ‘Cutting off our trade with all parts of the world.’ That does sound familiar. ‘He has obstructed the administration of justice.’ It’s getting hot in here. And here is one more: ‘He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us.’” — JON STEWART
“Look, maybe Trump isn’t an all-powerful king, the kind who can do whatever he wants, but he’s undeniably king-adjacent, king-esque, moving for more. He’s the imitation crab of kings right now, the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not King.’” — JON STEWART
“It wasn’t a ‘hate America’ rally at all. I look forward to Republicans apologizing sincerely for implying that these Americans were, what’s the word I’m looking for? Deplorable!” — JON STEWART
The Punchiest Punchlines (Seven Million-Strong Edition)
“Nearly seven million Americans on Saturday participated in ‘No Kings’ protests across the country against the Trump administration. That number goes up to 10 million if you include everybody who went, ‘Oh, that’s today? Dang it.’” — SETH MEYERS
“I was going to go, but I went into the attic to find my ‘pussy hat,’ and then the moths — the moths had gotten to it.” — BILL MAHER
“You know it’s bad when seven million people make plans on a Saturday, then actually follow through.” — JIMMY FALLON
“There hasn’t been a crowd that big in Boston since Dunkin’ held a promotion called Win a Free Munchkin Every Time You Scream ‘Jeter sucks.’” — SETH MEYERS
“You know New Yorkers are pissed when they voluntarily come to Times Square on a weekend.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Actually, it was kind of an incredible turnout that was somewhat inspiring. Seven million Americans, zero mass shootings. Zero! That’s just sad. No mass shootings? My God. Has that even happened before? Even the dog parade had some nipping.” — JON STEWART
“So this weekend’s ‘No Kings’ rallies were notable for all the elderly people in attendance. It was the first demonstration ever to be funded by George Soros and visiting angels. And, no, that smell wasn’t tear gas — it was Aspercreme.” — GREG GUTFELD
“Saturday was ‘No Kings’ day. it was a raging success. Because on Sunday, there were no kings. But there were no kings on Saturday, either, so they rallied about something that didn’t exist. Kind of like France protesting deodorant.” — GREG GUTFELD
The Bits Worth Watching
Actor and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger joined “Real Time with Bill Maher” on Friday to share his thoughts on how to save democracy.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Catch actor Michael J. Fox on Tuesday’s “Late Show,” where he will be discussing his brand new memoir, “Future Boy.”
Also, Check This Out
A new “Purple Rain” stage musical is set to premiere this November in Prince’s beloved hometown of Minneapolis.