Welcome to our Late Night Roundup, your essential guide to the previous night’s comedic highlights, so you can catch up on the laughs while enjoying a good night’s sleep. And if you’re looking for something to watch, check out the 50 best movies streaming on Netflix right now.
When ‘Help’ Isn’t Wanted
President Trump has already dispatched National Guard troops to Los Angeles and Washington this year, and now he’s attempting to send them into Chicago and Portland, Oregon. This move has met strong opposition from local and state officials who argue he’s creating an unnecessary crisis.
Jimmy Kimmel, hosting his Wednesday monologue from what he playfully called “the no longer embattled city of Los Angeles,” quipped that Trump had “saved us from ourselves by calling in the National Guard to stop a conflict that never started — but could have, had he not acted to prevent an entirely fabricated crisis from spinning out of his imagination and onto our streets.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you for sending troops to occupy all of these Democrat-run cities, whether we want them or not — and we do not.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“He’s sending the Texas National Guard into Chicago, all dressed in camouflage, by the way. I want to say, I know you’re from Texas, guys — camouflage will not help you blend in in Chicago. You would be better off dressed as kielbasa in Chicago.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Illinois state and local officials strongly oppose troops being sent into the Windy City. President Trump responded to that by calling for the governor and mayor to be jailed. That’s a normal thing for presidents to do, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“President Trump told reporters on Sunday that Portland, Ore., is ‘burning to the ground.’ According to sources, people are even dying of dysentery.” — SETH MEYERS
“Trump is reported to be ‘seriously considering’ invoking the Insurrection Act, which is a law from 1807 that would allow him to use the military to enforce his rules. This guy can’t keep his insurrection in his pants anymore.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Punchiest Punchlines (Shutdown Shenanigans Edition)
“This is day eight now of the shutdown, which is causing headaches for millions of Americans, and we can’t even take Tylenol for it anymore.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“It’s day eight of the government shutdown. It’s getting scary. They’re already considering getting a backup generator for Mitch McConnell.” — GREG GUTFELD
“If you want to know how long eight days is, just think: Eight days ago, we had no idea what kind of tree Travis Kelce was like.” — JIMMY FALLON
“They say the shutdown could cost the economy approximately $15 billion a week. To put that in perspective, that’s $15 billion more than Kilmeade’s book sales.” — GREG GUTFELD, referring to his Fox News colleague Brian Kilmeade
“One of the concerns that Democrats had about getting into this was that Trump might take the opportunity to fire a whole bunch of federal workers. He promised to do that, but according to at least one White House official, they haven’t acted on it because ‘we do not want to appear gleeful about people losing their jobs.’ Unless, of course, those people work at a late-night talk show — in which case, it’s entirely different.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
Taylor Swift made a memorable appearance on “Late Night” on Wednesday, presenting Seth Meyers with a unique edible gift during her ‘Tay/kover’ segment.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
The acclaimed Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Lucy Dacus is set to perform on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
Also, Check This Out
Twenty-five years after its October debut, “Gilmore Girls” has cemented its place as a beloved fall tradition for many.