Erin Derby has a meticulous system when it comes to navigating the world of online dating.
Before committing to a real-life meeting, Ms. Derby, a 49-year-old photographer and content creator, dedicates one to two weeks to diligent texting. This period allows her to assess their communication style, humor, and even their grammatical precision – observing if they use complete sentences and punctuation.
Her investigative approach doesn’t stop there; she meticulously scrutinizes their dating profile and conducts initial Google searches.
Ms. Derby isn’t afraid to ask significant questions early on, delving into topics like political affiliations and religious views. She views any resistance or discomfort with her thorough vetting as a clear indicator, understanding that if a conversation fades, it speaks volumes.
“It’s about piecing together the true identity of the person on the other side of the screen,” she explains.
For many contemporary singles, this rigorous screening isn’t just an option—it’s a vital component of online dating. It provides a much-needed sense of control in a landscape often perceived as daunting and precarious. A 2023 Pew survey highlighted this concern, revealing that fewer than half of U.S. online daters consider these platforms safe, with women expressing particular apprehension. Moreover, over half reported encountering individuals they suspected were attempting to scam them.
Beyond physical safety, this vetting process is crucial for emotional self-preservation, notes Shira Danzig, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the River Psychology Group in New York, where dating therapy is a specialty.
Danzig observes that many of her clients have grown risk-averse, hesitant to expose themselves emotionally or physically.
“There’s a deep apprehension about vulnerability and the dating experience itself, which often leaves them feeling negative,” she shares. “The sheer volume of information available online creates an illusion that we can fully shield ourselves from potential heartache.”
Virtual First: The Rise of FaceTime Preludes
Modern singles employ a range of sophisticated vetting techniques, from reverse image searches and formal background checks to carefully crafted ‘getting to know you’ questions. One popular piece of advice circulating on social media suggests asking prospective partners about the most romantic gesture they’ve ever made.
While gathering such insights offers a sense of security, some dating experts caution against prolonged texting, especially with the growing concern of “chatfishing,” where individuals use artificial intelligence to interact with matches.
“The sheer volume, scale, and rapid pace of modern dating can be incredibly demanding,” explains Grace Lee, a New York City-based dating coach. “It drains not just your time and money, but significant emotional energy.”
Lee advises her clients to consider a few core questions during the initial texting phase: Is this person genuinely who they say they are? Do I enjoy our conversations? And, do they appear to enjoy talking to me?
“Only once these fundamental questions are answered, should you suggest meeting up, proposing to continue the conversation face-to-face,” she states.
Sabrina Zohar, a prominent dating coach and podcast host, advocates for a preliminary FaceTime or phone call. This virtual interaction allows her to hear their voice and gauge their non-verbal cues before an in-person commitment.
Zohar, now in a relationship, recalls moments where these calls saved her from disappointing dates: “Thank god I didn’t go out with this person. What a dud!” she’d think. Conversely, she’s also discovered pleasant surprises, realizing someone was far more charming in conversation than over text.
Yet, initiating a phone call with a stranger can present its own set of challenges. Melissa Gallagher, 30, who has experienced around 50 first dates in recent years, found that only one person requested a pre-date FaceTime. She described the experience as feeling like a job interview.
“It felt so pointless,” Ms. Gallagher remarked. “I kept wondering: Why are we even doing this?”
Interestingly, Gallagher later used the Tea app—a platform intended to help women vet dates (despite its history of data breaches)—to check if any former matches had been flagged for problematic behavior. The only individual who appeared was the same person who had suggested the FaceTime call.
The Great Coffee Date Debate
Sometimes, the initial screening process unfolds in real life.
The humble coffee date has sparked a heated debate on social media, with countless videos on platforms like TikTok arguing whether it’s the ideal low-pressure screening method or a glaring red flag, hinting at a lack of effort or frugality.
Gabe Escobar, a 23-year-old actor and influencer, firmly supports coffee dates. He believes it’s illogical to commit to an intense, hour-long dinner conversation with someone you barely know.
He met his current girlfriend of eight months through a modern twist on an old classic: after she messaged him directly, they exchanged texts for a few weeks, leading to a coffee meeting that naturally extended into a lengthy and enjoyable dinner.
“It truly worked out,” Mr. Escobar concludes, “which, for me, validates my approach.”