My daughter-in-law asked my son for a divorce almost two years ago because she had fallen in love with another man. My son does not want a divorce for the kids’ sake. He and his wife have made a deal that she will not push for a divorce if she is allowed to spend one night and day each week with her lover. As part of this agreement, my son and daughter-in-law have also chosen to sleep in separate bedrooms. The kids are 4 and 6½ years old, and I believe the older child is realizing something unusual is up. My son believes he is to blame for his wife straying and has actively changed his behavior in hopes of winning her back, but to no avail. I’m concerned about their situation. Is it better for the kids’ sake to plan for a legal separation and divorce now, or to wait until they are older?
From the Therapist: It’s completely understandable why you’re worried — both for your son, who’s stuck in an agonizing limbo, and for your young grandchildren, who are living through this complex situation. Your anxiety about their well-being is palpable as you seek guidance on the ‘right time’ for divorce. However, I believe the core of your concern isn’t just about timing, but rather: What kind of emotional environment are these children experiencing daily?
Presently, your grandchildren reside in a home where one parent regularly leaves to be with a lover, the parents sleep separately, and their father is desperately trying to win back a wife who has emotionally disengaged from the marriage. While your son and daughter-in-law might see this as an ‘agreement,’ it’s, in reality, a pact of avoidance rather than genuine resolution. This arrangement perpetuates your son’s false hope and self-blame, allows your daughter-in-law to maintain divided loyalties, and forces the children to live within a household steeped in secrecy.
Children are incredibly perceptive; they don’t need every explicit detail to sense when things are wrong. They pick up on the subtle tensions, the emotional distance between their parents, and the unspoken compromises hanging in the air. When kids grow up believing that love involves one parent endlessly chasing, or is marked by resignation and hidden lives, they often develop a profound sense of insecurity and struggle with trust. Your 6-year-old is already noticing “something unusual,” and both children will inevitably become confused by the stark contrast between what they are told and what they instinctively observe. This kind of emotional disconnect frequently causes more long-term damage than a divorce itself.
Of course, this isn’t to say that divorce is easy for children – it certainly isn’t. But simply “staying together” at any cost doesn’t guarantee their protection. What truly safeguards children is a foundation of stability, open communication, and parents who demonstrate healthy relationships, where honesty, no matter how painful, triumphs over pretense.
Therefore, instead of focusing on when they should divorce, a more profound and helpful question is: What family structure will ultimately provide these children with the most wholesome model of love and stability? This is the crucial conversation your son and his wife need to have, ideally with the guidance of a therapist. Their current well-intentioned but flawed ‘deal’ is likely to create more emotional harm than good. Navigating the intricate layers of ambivalence, self-worth, grief, betrayal, regret, and guilt is simply too challenging to undertake alone.
As a grandmother, your role here is delicate. When those we love are in distress, our natural inclination is to intervene. However, your son doesn’t need your personal opinion on the optimal timing for his children’s divorce. What he and his family truly need is for you to be a calm, reliable, and supportive presence as they navigate this tumultuous period in their lives.
You can offer this support by listening without judgment or attempts to ‘fix’ things. If your son confides in you, respond with genuine compassion rather than presenting a solution. A simple, “This sounds incredibly painful for you,” is far more helpful than, “Here’s what I think you should do.”
If he does explicitly ask for your advice, you can offer a gentle, measured perspective: “I can see how much you’re hurting, and I worry about what the kids might be picking up on. I’m always here to support you, but I think getting some professional guidance from a therapist on what the kids need in this situation will help all of you the most.”
In the meantime, consider ways you can create moments of safety and relief for your grandchildren. Perhaps invite them for regular sleepovers, establish cherished family traditions, or invent fun rituals together. Your concern for them is deeply felt, but remember that amid a tense and complicated home life, the consistent presence of a calm, transparent, and predictable adult can profoundly impact their well-being, regardless of the ultimate outcome of their parents’ marriage.
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