It’s common to hear statements like, “You need to stop coming over unannounced,” “Don’t talk to me that way,” or “If you can’t respect my needs, I’m cutting off all contact.” Many of us might think these are examples of setting boundaries.
However, much of the nuanced “therapy-speak” that has permeated social media and our culture has led to a misunderstanding of what a true boundary actually is. When psychologists discuss boundaries, they aren’t talking about controlling others with ultimatums or shielding yourself from all relationship challenges. Instead, setting a boundary means establishing rules for your own behavior.
As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” explains, these self-imposed rules are a healthy way to communicate our needs and expectations, ultimately fostering deeper and more resilient connections with the important people in our lives.
How Do You Truly Establish a Boundary?
Consider this scenario: your mother frequently comments on your weight. If you ask her to stop mentioning your size, that’s a request, not a boundary.
If she continues to ignore your request, that’s when you establish a boundary. According to KC Davis, a Texas-based therapist and author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” one effective approach is to prevent her opinions about your body from becoming your own beliefs.
Ms. Davis suggests: “I don’t need to send her books or engage in lengthy discussions about Health at Every Size. I don’t need to convince her of my health. I simply acknowledge with an ‘OK, Mom,’ and then I move on.”
You can also articulate a boundary with a direct statement. For example, if your teenager speaks to you disrespectfully, you might say, “I want to discuss this with you, but I won’t continue talking while you’re berating me.”
Alternatively, a boundary can be silent. If a friend sends a text message that makes you uncomfortable, you can simply choose not to reply.
How Can Setting a Boundary Strengthen a Relationship?
When we establish personal limits and boundaries, we clearly define the line between our own needs and those of others. This crucial step is vital for maintaining healthy relationships, notes Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
Dr. Sanderson explains that neglecting our own needs by failing to set boundaries can lead to emotional “explosions” because we haven’t taken the time to understand and communicate what we require from the relationship.
Sometimes, the other person simply can’t provide exactly what you desire. In such cases, if you still wish to preserve the relationship, boundaries become a tool to ensure the connection remains positive and fulfilling for you.
Ms. Davis shares a personal experience where a boundary reduced resentment towards a friend.
“We’d make plans to get together, but she’d often not show up, or I’d arrive to pick her up and she wouldn’t answer the door,” Ms. Davis recounts. “I was completely exasperated.”
Instead of trying to force her friend to change, Ms. Davis eventually stopped initiating so many plans and adjusted her expectations about her friend’s availability. Now, while their meetups are less frequent, Ms. Davis genuinely enjoys their time together.
Do Boundary Types Impact Relationship Building?
Mental health professionals identify three primary types of boundaries: rigid, porous, and healthy.
Individuals with consistently rigid boundaries often steer clear of close relationships, struggle with trust, and rarely seek assistance. At the opposite end, those with porous boundaries tend to overshare, tolerate disrespect, get overly entangled in others’ issues, and find it difficult to say no.
Most people display a combination of these boundary types, varying across different relationships. For instance, someone might have a porous boundary with a romantic partner but a more rigid one with a colleague.
The ideal is to cultivate healthy boundaries. This means recognizing and valuing our own desires and needs, being open to intimacy when appropriate, and confidently asserting “no” when necessary.
Ms. Tawwab emphasizes, “We strive for that sweet spot of balance and flexibility.” She cautions that boundaries that are either too rigid or too porous can ultimately damage relationships.
What If Your Boundaries Upset Someone?
It’s not uncommon for others to perceive your boundaries as unsettling or even hurtful. Dr. Sanderson notes that they might “repeatedly challenge the boundary,” leading to a frustrating and negative cycle.
Nevertheless, respecting a boundary, even if it seems unreasonable, unfair, or trivial to you, is fundamental to building a stronger relationship.
Dr. Sanderson advises open and honest discussions about any hurt feelings, and even suggests negotiation. For example, if your spouse is upset because you refuse to discuss a recent argument, you might consider easing that boundary once you’ve both had a chance to cool down.
“We’re not saying, ‘I don’t love you’ — we’re not saying, ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson clarifies. “We’re simply communicating, ‘For me, right now, I’m not able to talk about that.’”