It’s common to hear people talk about setting boundaries, using phrases like:
“You simply must stop dropping by without notice.”
“Please don’t speak to me in that tone.”
“If you can’t respect my needs, I’ll have to distance myself.”
However, much like other therapeutic terms gaining popularity on social media and in everyday conversation, the true essence of “boundaries” is often misunderstood. When mental health professionals discuss boundaries, they aren’t advocating for controlling others through ultimatums or building walls to avoid relational issues. Instead, setting a boundary is about taking charge of your own actions by establishing personal rules for yourself.
These personal guidelines are a healthy method for articulating our needs and expectations. They can actually deepen our connections with the significant people in our lives, explains Nedra Glover Tawwab, a renowned therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
How Do You Begin to Establish Personal Boundaries?
Imagine your mother frequently comments on your weight. If you politely ask her to refrain from discussing your size, that’s simply a request, not a boundary.
Should she disregard your request, that’s when you implement a boundary. According to KC Davis, a Texas-based therapist and author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” one effective approach is to prevent her opinions about your body from becoming your own.
“There’s no need for me to send her books or engage in lengthy discussions about topics like Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis shared. “I don’t have to persuade her that I am healthy. I can simply acknowledge her comment with an ‘Okay, Mom,’ and redirect my attention.”
Alternatively, you can articulate a boundary using a clear, direct statement. For example, if your teenager is speaking to you disrespectfully, you might say: “I am willing to continue this conversation, but I will not engage with someone who is verbally abusive.”
Another option is to establish a silent boundary. If, for instance, a friend sends a text message that makes you feel uneasy, you have the choice simply not to respond.
How Can Setting Boundaries Actually Strengthen Your Relationships?
By setting personal limits or boundaries, we clearly delineate our own needs from those of others. This crucial step supports the foundation of healthy relationships, notes Catherine A. Sanderson, a psychology professor at Amherst College.
Neglecting to set boundaries and consistently ignoring our own needs can lead to emotional “explosions,” Dr. Sanderson explains. This often stems from a lack of introspection regarding our true needs within a relationship.
Sometimes, however, the other person may genuinely be unable to provide precisely what you desire. In such cases, if you still value the relationship, boundaries can be a tool to preserve a connection that remains positive and comfortable for you.
Ms. Davis recounts a personal experience where establishing a boundary significantly reduced her resentment towards a friend.
“We would make plans to get together, but she often wouldn’t appear, or I’d arrive to pick her up, and she wouldn’t answer her door,” Ms. Davis explained. “I was absolutely fed up.”
Ultimately, Ms. Davis reduced the frequency of making plans with her friend and adjusted her expectations regarding her friend’s availability. Crucially, she did not attempt to dictate her friend’s actions. Now, while their interactions are limited to a few times a year, Ms. Davis genuinely cherishes and enjoys their time together.
Do Different Types of Boundaries Impact Relationship Building?
Mental health professionals typically categorize boundaries into three main types: rigid, porous, and healthy.
Individuals who consistently maintain rigid boundaries often shy away from intimate relationships, struggle with trust, and rarely seek assistance. At the opposite end of the spectrum, those with porous boundaries frequently overshare personal details, tolerate disrespect, get excessively entangled in others’ issues, and find it hard to decline requests.
In reality, most people display a blend of these boundary types, which can vary depending on the specific relationship. For instance, someone might have a more porous boundary with their romantic partner but a rigid one with a colleague.
The ideal goal for everyone is to cultivate healthy boundaries. This involves honoring our own desires and needs, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable for intimacy when appropriate, and confidently asserting “no” when required.
“Our aim is to find that sweet spot of balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab emphasized, cautioning that boundaries that are either too rigid or too porous can ultimately damage relationships.
What Happens If Your Boundaries Upset Someone?
It’s not uncommon for others to perceive your boundaries as upsetting or even offensive. They might “repeatedly test that boundary,” leading to a detrimental cycle, according to Dr. Sanderson.
Nevertheless, even if a boundary appears illogical, unjust, or simply trivial, respecting it is fundamental to fostering a stronger relationship.
An open and honest conversation about any hurt feelings can be beneficial, Dr. Sanderson suggests, possibly even leading to negotiation. For example, if your spouse is upset because you’re unwilling to discuss a recent argument, you might consider temporarily adjusting that boundary once you’ve both had time to cool off.
“We aren’t communicating ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson clarified. “Instead, we’re expressing, ‘At this moment, I am unable to discuss this topic.’”