I keep getting angry texts from friends and family, but their frustration isn’t even directed at me. They’re usually just venting about something beyond our control – maybe a mutual acquaintance, a new government policy, or some bad online behavior. Still, it feels like I’m being forced to absorb someone else’s irritation, and I often end up feeling like a digital trash can for their complaints. How can I respond without invalidating their feelings, but also make it clear that I don’t want to be involved in their anger?
— TEXTER
You’re not alone! It seems like angry outbursts are everywhere online these days, from justifiable outrage over serious public issues to noisy grievances about trivial annoyances. And thanks to social media, comment sections, and our constant digital connection, there are endless ways for people to vent their frustrations.
It’s a huge problem. So, what do we do about it?
I’m hardly in a position (nor do I have the right) to dictate what others can say. They’re absolutely entitled to their anger. But for my own sanity, I take a cue from young parents I see pulling devices away from their overly absorbed children. I enforce strict limits on my screen time, especially when it comes to social media and casual texting. Sure, many of the texts I get are lovely and positive, but those aren’t usually the ones that stick with me. It’s the unpleasant ones that really drag me down.
Now, regarding your friends’ disgruntled messages, I suggest you dial back the kind of empathy that might encourage more emotional dumping (e.g., “Oh, that must have been so annoying for you!”). Your priority is to protect yourself. It’s simply not necessary to reply to every complaint. Let some messages pass without a response, steer the conversation in a different direction when possible, and master the art of the nonchalant reply: “Annoying, right? But what can you do?” When your friends don’t get the reaction they’re looking for from you, they’ll likely find another outlet for their anger.
The Case of the Missing Mitten and the Unpaid Bill
My cousin and I took my toddler grandnephew to the park. After playing, we stopped at a cafe for a snack. While we were helping him out of his winter gear, we realized he only had one mitten. We searched everywhere but couldn’t find the other. My cousin and I immediately offered to replace them. His parents then provided us with the cost: $75, including expedited shipping from Finland! My cousin agreed to split the cost with me and even watched as I placed the order online. But it’s been two months now, and she still hasn’t paid me. And I haven’t even brought it up. Help!
— COUSIN
It seems you’re assuming that her watching you place the order online automatically created a binding obligation for her to pay at that exact moment. That’s a bit of an unusual take. I would have simply sent her a brief note once the mittens (or my credit card statement) arrived, something like: “Overpriced mittens successfully delivered! Your share is $37.50.” Go ahead and send that message now, and remember: clearly communicate your expectations when you want specific actions from others.
Navigating Complicated Family Dynamics: When Beliefs Clash
My brother is in a serious relationship and has grown very close to his girlfriend’s family, especially her mother. Our family is Black and Muslim, with many immigrant relatives. The problem is that his girlfriend’s mother frequently posts anti-immigrant, Islamophobic, and racist content on social media. I truly don’t understand how my brother can maintain a friendship with her. Should I confront him about this, or is it best to leave him alone?
— SISTER
It’s truly upsetting that anyone has to witness hateful social media posts. However, I’m not entirely clear on what outcome you’re hoping for here. Do you want your brother to confront his girlfriend’s mother directly, or perhaps distance himself from her family (which could put a significant strain on his relationship)? Or are you simply seeking an understanding of his perspective? My guess is your brother probably isn’t thrilled by the mother’s bigotry, but we don’t get to choose our extended families. It seems unlikely that your brother is in a position to fundamentally change his girlfriend’s mother’s deeply held worldview.
As a gay man, I’ve often found myself in perplexing situations where people express homophobic sentiments in my presence, yet simultaneously seem genuinely fond of me. In many of these cases, I choose to remain silent; I pick my battles. Your brother might be adopting a similar strategy. If you’re genuinely curious, feel free to ask him about his friendship with her. But if your main goal is to express your contempt for someone who is likely a permanent fixture in your brother’s life, it might be wiser to let this one go.
Better Late Than Never: The Art of the Timely (or Tardy) Thank You
I earned my Ph.D. last May. For some reason, I’ve continually put off writing thank-you notes to my dissertation committee members. Now, I’m so embarrassed by my procrastination that I feel like I can’t send them at all. How should I handle this? Do I need to dedicate half the letter to apologizing for the delay?
— TARDY
The purpose of a thank-you note is explicitly stated in its name: to express gratitude. The more time you spend writing about yourself – for instance, detailing your procrastination – the less your notes will convey genuine appreciation. So, write them now! Start by sincerely thanking each recipient. You can include a brief apology for the delay, but keep it to a single line. Honestly, it’s beside the point; the gratitude itself is what truly matters.