Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a prominent happiness researcher, has spent decades exploring the science behind what makes us truly content. For years, she’s been asked the same pressing question: ‘What’s the ultimate secret to happiness?’
As a distinguished psychology professor at the University of California Riverside, Dr. Lyubomirsky often felt that question was overly simplistic and reductive. How could there be one single secret?
When pressed, her usual response touched on several key areas: genuine connection and strong relationships, positive thinking that embraces gratitude, and a healthy sense of control over one’s life.
However, if forced to pinpoint a single, most crucial element, she now states unequivocally: the secret to happiness is ‘feeling loved.’
This powerful insight forms the core of her new book, ‘How to Feel Loved,’ co-authored with Dr. Harry Reis, a University of Rochester psychology professor specializing in close relationships.
Traditionally, studies on love and happiness have centered on the love we extend to others. Yet, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis contend that our happiness is actually more profoundly shaped by the love we receive.
The authors observe that many people seeking to feel more loved often resort to two ineffective strategies: trying to ‘fix’ themselves (thinking, ‘if only I were kinder, more attractive, or better in some way…’) or attempting to change the other person (like wishing, ‘if only my partner understood my love language!’).
Drs. Lyubomirsky and Reis suggest a different path: instead of trying to alter others, shift your approach to your daily conversations.
To Receive More Love, Practice Better Listening.
The core principle is simple: to truly feel loved, you must first make others feel cherished by you. Becoming an exceptional listener is key to achieving this.
Many of us believe we’re good listeners, Dr. Lyubomirsky notes, but often, we’re simply waiting for our chance to speak. (She openly admits this is a personal challenge.) Her advice is to adopt a ‘listening to learn’ mindset, fundamentally shifting your goal from formulating a response to genuinely understanding the other person.
‘We all recognize that incredible feeling,’ Dr. Lyubomirsky explains, ‘when someone is genuinely curious about you, eagerly awaiting your story. Their eyes light up, and they lean in, fully engaged.’
Such deep, attentive listening is a rare and incredibly potent skill, she emphasizes.
The authors state: ‘When you make someone feel truly seen, valued, and understood, they become more inclined, motivated, and even eager to reciprocate that feeling.’
Cultivating better listening habits requires practice. Dr. Lyubomirsky offers straightforward tips: avoid interrupting, and refrain from offering unsolicited advice.
Crucially, ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Dr. Reis finds that three simple words often work wonders: ‘Tell me more.’
Cultivate One Relationship at a Time.
Instead of attempting a broad overhaul of all your interactions, Dr. Lyubomirsky advises focusing on one specific relationship where you wish to feel more love. This could be a close family member, a romantic partner, or even a colleague you’d like to understand better.
The authors stress that this feeling of being loved isn’t limited to romantic partnerships or a small circle of intimate connections; it can be fostered in various relationships.
After choosing a specific person, challenge yourself: over the next week, initiate three conversations where your primary goal is to demonstrate genuine curiosity, as suggested by Dr. Lyubomirsky.
The authors use the metaphor of a seesaw: by elevating someone with your profound curiosity and attentiveness — you inspire them to reciprocate that same energy back to you.
‘The reciprocal aspect is equally vital,’ Dr. Reis adds. ‘Sharing what truly matters to you, expressing your concerns, transforms it into a genuine two-way interaction.’
While reciprocity isn’t absolutely guaranteed, he notes it’s a strong social norm: we are naturally inclined to respond with care and kindness to those who offer it to us first.
Recognizing When to Disengage.
Naturally, despite your best efforts to listen and be open, some individuals may not reciprocate. If you find yourself in such a situation, or struggling to maintain genuine curiosity, these are clear indicators that this particular relationship might not be the best place to heavily invest your time and energy.
Dr. Lyubomirsky wisely points out, ‘Sometimes, we simply pick the wrong person from whom to seek more love.’
Ask yourself: Does this person genuinely ‘get’ me, or at least seem eager to try? When I’ve opened up about my challenges or vulnerabilities, did they show enthusiastic curiosity and truly listen?
Ultimately, Dr. Lyubomirsky aims to empower people with the understanding that by choosing wisely — and refining their conversational approach — they can actively cultivate more love and, consequently, more happiness in their lives.
‘The feeling of being loved,’ the authors conclude, ‘is ultimately within your grasp.’