Often, when people talk about ‘setting boundaries,’ they might say things like:
“You absolutely must stop showing up without an invitation.”
“Don’t speak to me in that tone.”
“If you can’t respect my needs, I’m ending our connection.”
However, like many therapeutic terms that have become popular on social media and throughout our culture, the true essence of ‘boundaries’ has often been misunderstood. When mental health professionals discuss boundaries, they aren’t referring to dictating others’ actions with ultimatums or building walls to avoid relational challenges. Instead, establishing a boundary is fundamentally about regulating your own behavior through personal rules.
These self-imposed rules serve as a healthy mechanism for communicating our needs and expectations. They can actually lead to more robust and meaningful relationships with those who matter most, explains Nedra Glover Tawwab, a renowned therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
So, How Do You Really Establish a Boundary?
Imagine your mother frequently comments on your physical appearance. If you simply ask her to stop mentioning your weight, that’s a request, not a boundary.
If she disregards that request, then you have the opportunity to set a boundary. According to KC Davis, a therapist based in Texas and author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” one effective method is to prevent her opinions about your body from becoming your internal narrative.
“There’s no need to inundate her with books or engage in lengthy discussions about Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis advises. “I don’t need to persuade her of my health. I can simply acknowledge her comment with an ‘Okay, Mom,’ and then shift my focus.”
Boundaries can also be established through direct, clear statements. For example, if your teenager is speaking disrespectfully, you might say: “I am willing to discuss this with you, but I will not continue a conversation with someone who is verbally abusive.”
Alternatively, a silent boundary can be effective. If a friend sends a text message that leaves you feeling uneasy, you can simply choose not to respond.
How Boundaries Can Actually Strengthen Your Connections
By setting personal limits and boundaries, we effectively define the space between our own needs and those of others. This crucial distinction is vital for nurturing healthy relationships, notes Catherine A. Sanderson, a psychology professor at Amherst College.
Dr. Sanderson explains that neglecting to establish boundaries, and thus overlooking our own needs, can lead to emotional ‘explosions.’ This often stems from a lack of self-reflection on what we truly require from our relationships.
Nevertheless, there are times when others simply aren’t able to meet our exact desires. In such situations, if you value the relationship, boundaries become a powerful tool to preserve a connection that remains positive and sustainable for you.
Ms. Davis recounts a personal experience where a boundary significantly reduced her resentment towards a friend.
“We would make plans, and she’d either fail to show up, or I’d arrive to pick her up only for her not to answer the door,” Ms. Davis shared. “I was completely exasperated.”
Ultimately, Ms. Davis consciously reduced the frequency of plans with her friend and released the expectation of her being more readily available. Crucially, she did not attempt to dictate her friend’s actions. Now, their occasional meet-ups a few times a year are genuinely enjoyable for Ms. Davis.
Do Different Boundary Types Impact Relationship Building?
Mental health professionals typically categorize boundaries into three main types: rigid, porous, and healthy.
Individuals with consistently rigid boundaries often steer clear of deep connections, struggle with trust, and rarely seek assistance. At the opposite end of the spectrum, those with porous boundaries frequently overshare, tolerate disrespect, get overly entangled in others’ issues, and find it hard to decline requests.
It’s common for people to display a blend of these boundary types, adapting them to specific relationships. For instance, someone might have a more porous boundary with their romantic partner but maintain a rigid one with a colleague.
The ideal, however, is to cultivate healthy boundaries. This involves honoring our own desires and needs, embracing intimacy when it feels right, and confidently saying ‘no’ when needed.
“The goal is to find that sweet spot of balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab emphasizes, warning that boundaries that are either too rigid or too porous can ultimately harm relationships.
When Your Boundaries Cause Conflict or Anger
It’s not uncommon for others to perceive your boundaries as upsetting or even offensive. Dr. Sanderson notes that they might repeatedly ‘test’ or push against these limits, creating a detrimental cycle.
Yet, even if a boundary appears illogical, unjust, or simply trivial, acknowledging and respecting it is crucial for building a stronger relationship.
Dr. Sanderson suggests that open and honest conversations about any hurt feelings can be beneficial, and even negotiation might be appropriate. For instance, if your spouse is upset because you’re unwilling to discuss a recent argument, you might consider temporarily adjusting your boundary after you’ve both had time to cool down.
“When we set a boundary, we’re not communicating a lack of love or trust,” Dr. Sanderson clarifies. “What we are conveying is, ‘In this moment, for my own well-being, I am unable to discuss that topic.’”