When people talk about setting boundaries, you might hear statements like:
- “You really have to stop coming over unannounced.”
- “Don’t talk to me that way.”
- “If you can’t honor my needs, I’m cutting off all contact.”
However, much like other therapy-speak often found on social media, the true meaning of “boundaries” has been widely misunderstood. When psychologists discuss boundaries, they aren’t referring to tactics for controlling others with ultimatums or creating a shield against relationship challenges. Instead, setting a boundary is about taking control of your own behavior by establishing personal rules.
These self-imposed rules are a healthy and effective way to articulate our needs and expectations. They can actually help us build deeper, more meaningful connections with the important people in our lives, explains Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
How do you establish a boundary?
Imagine your mother frequently comments on your weight. If you ask her to stop mentioning your size, that’s a request – not a boundary.
If she ignores your request, then you can truly establish a boundary. One powerful approach is to prevent her beliefs about your body from becoming your beliefs, advises KC Davis, a Texas-based therapist and author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship.”
“I don’t need to send her books; I don’t need to have conversations about Health at Every Size,” Ms. Davis said. “I don’t need to convince her that I’m healthy. I just go, ‘OK, Mom,’ and move on.”
You can also create a boundary with a direct statement. For instance, if your teenager is speaking to you disrespectfully, you might say: “I want to have a conversation with you, but I will not continue to talk with someone who is berating me.”
Alternatively, a silent boundary can be effective. If a friend sends an uncomfortable text message, you can simply choose not to reply.
How can a boundary strengthen a relationship?
By setting limits and boundaries for ourselves, we clearly define the line between our own needs and those of others. This is fundamental to maintaining healthy relationships, according to Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
Without boundaries, ignoring our needs can lead to emotional “explosions,” Dr. Sanderson notes, because we haven’t properly reflected on what we truly require from the relationship.
Sometimes, the other person may not be capable of providing exactly what you want. In such cases, if you still value the relationship, boundaries can help you maintain a connection that feels sustainable and good for you.
Ms. Davis shared an experience where setting a boundary significantly reduced her resentment towards a friend.
“We’d make plans to hang out and she wouldn’t show, or I would go to pick her up and she wouldn’t answer the door,” Ms. Davis recounted. “I was at my wits’ end.”
Eventually, Ms. Davis stopped making as many plans with her friend and adjusted her expectations about her friend’s availability, without trying to control her friend’s behavior. Now, they connect a few times a year, and Ms. Davis can fully enjoy their visits without frustration.
Does the type of boundary matter when building a relationship?
Mental health experts typically identify three kinds of boundaries: rigid, porous, and healthy.
An individual with consistently rigid boundaries tends to avoid close relationships, struggles with trusting others, and rarely seeks help. On the opposite end, those with porous boundaries often overshare personal information, tolerate disrespect, become excessively entangled in others’ problems, and find it difficult to say “no.”
Most people exhibit a mix of these boundary types, depending on the specific relationship. For instance, someone might have porous boundaries with their romantic partner but rigid ones with a colleague.
The ideal is to aim for healthy boundaries. This means valuing your own desires and needs, being open to intimacy when appropriate, and confidently saying “no” when necessary.
“We want to get right in that zone where there is some balance and flexibility,” Ms. Tawwab emphasized, adding that boundaries that are too rigid or too porous can ultimately damage relationships.
What if your boundaries make someone angry?
It’s possible that some people will find your boundaries unsettling or even hurtful. They might “tend to push against the boundary again and again,” Dr. Sanderson explained, creating a “really negative cycle.”
However, even if a boundary seems unreasonable, unfair, or even trivial to someone else, respecting it is crucial for building a stronger relationship.
Dr. Sanderson suggests that an open discussion about any hurt feelings can be beneficial, and negotiation might even be an option. For example, if your spouse is upset because you refuse to discuss a recent argument, you might consider relaxing that boundary once you’ve had time to calm down.
“We’re not saying, ‘I don’t love you’ — we’re not saying, ‘I don’t trust you,’” Dr. Sanderson clarified. “We’re saying, ‘For me right now, I can’t talk about that.’”